I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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