What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
