My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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