alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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