My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
