remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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