i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
