I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
True strength comes from lack of pants
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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