I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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