Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
