im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
FUCK WHALES
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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