So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I pour the whiskey from now on
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
