i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
