I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
