$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
