I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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