We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
