please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
