Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I just want nice things and good sex
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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