Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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