the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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