Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Randomize