So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
