So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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