I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
