Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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