i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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