my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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