this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
