he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
