Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
