Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
