she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm just crazy horny about you
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
