You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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