I wish I only lived at night.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Randomize