Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
