okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
