I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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