My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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