she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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