So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Randomize
