you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
