I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
