Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Your penis caused this!
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
