there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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