I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I hate all girls vehemently.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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