put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
