If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
