i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Randomize
