Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
