she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
