covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
