saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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