I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
