I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
